From the
JOKIN' AROUND DISK
by
LEEJAN ENTERPRISES
P.O. Box 66. Happy Valley.
South Australia. 5159.
GUIDE TO THE MEN'S ROOM AT THE STADIUM
ABSENTMINDED:
Opens vest, pulls out tie, dribbles down leg.
AROUSED:
Is unable to clear zipper in time, hits flush handle.
ASPARAGUS:
Is inconspicuous in line, his presence becomes obvious to those in area,
when he unloads, after a heavy meal of asparagus, due to the fetted odor that
accompanies his action. Ordinarily, those who follow this poor soul in line
manage to switch to another line.
ATHLETIC UNIFORM WEARER:
No provision has been made in the design of the garment, by the uniform maker,
for the natural functions. Wearer drools heavily and frequently has tears
in his eyes.
AVID CONVERSATIONALIST:
Gets very deeply involved with the person in line next to him, turns quickly
to make a definite point, and marks the other person's pant leg. Thereupon,
conversation ceases in a very sullen silence.
BELCHER:
No period of relief is complete without a real room rolling belch. Thus, on
station, this individual sounds like he is going to bring up last week's
cookies.
BE PREPARED:
The exact opposite of the "In Search Of," this individual is so geared toward
preparation that he opens zipper in hallway before entering room - to the
consternation of the mixed audience that witnesses this startling event!
BROADCASTER:
Listens to the game on the radio, even while unloading. During high point
in the game, he gets completely carried away, wets his own pants and shoes,
the surrounding individuals, the wall, and even makes an attempt for the
ceiling during this crucial period.
BUILDER:
To amuse himself, he attempts construction of some imaginary object with the
wet butts in the urinal.
CAUTIOUS:
Takes extra care to maintain accuracy and privacy that he forgets to go,
after all the preparations have been so elaborately made.
CHILDISH:
Ties into the bottom of the urinal with fiendish glee, to see how many bubbles
he can produce.
CHECKER:
Always stares at the ceiling, and when finished, wants to look unconcerned.
Flushes wastebasket.
CONTESTANT:
Holds great value in completion of act before anyone else, thus makes a very
forced effort, which inevitably results in the fouling of the air in the
entire vicinity.
CROSS-EYED:
Stares at the urinal on the left, hits the urinal on the right, flushes the
center urinal.
DESPERATE:
Waits in very long line, until he is second in position, then wets pants.
DEPARTURE ADDICT:
Compulsively must leave game before anyone else, but also must dispense with
natural urge. He is unable to decide which motive is of greater urgency and
importance, thus never makes it to the urinal, but completely wets floor,
self, wall, and then dribbles in the urinal with a guilty look on his face.
DISCO DANCER:
Listens to music with a real beat on radio, loses control and wets nearly
everything in sight.
DISGRUNTLED:
On station, waits patiently for several minutes (to wonderment of those yet
in line), then departs grumbling to himself and looking disgusted.
DISTRACTED:
Chews gum with such zest and vigor that he forgets the purpose of the line,
so must go to the end of the line, and return a second time to complete the
job.
DOUBLE LOSER:
Discovers, to his horror, that he has developed yet ANOTHER hole in the OTHER
shoe, and thus manages to get both feet wet simultaneously.
DRUNK:
Holds left thumb in right hand, wets pants.
EFFICIENT:
Goes to booth and does everything simultaneously with ease.
ESCOPET:
Can never quite clear the hurdles involved.
EURYTHMIC:
Does everything with elegance and charm, in harmony with sophistication and
urbane grace.
EXCITABLE:
Has long johns on backwards, gets flap caught in zipper, dies of an over-
extended bladder.
FASHION PLATE:
Wears clothing which so closely conforms to the body size that it allows no
room in which to make the necessary moves. Drowns in own body fluids after
six separate and very desperate attempts to undress in public are a complete
failure.
FLIPPANT ARTIST:
Comes into the room, ignores the line, looks fairly stupid, so his move is
unquestioned. He passes seven people, grabs the first urinal available, and
does his work, but smiles sickeningly, as he departs.
FLUSH WATCHER:
Derives a secret sensual satisfaction from observation of the complete flush
cycle. He remains on station, watching completion of the cycle, just long
enough to cause the next person in line to wet pants and fill shoes.
FORGETFUL:
Has altogether forgotten to wear underwear, and only at this critical moment
discovers his deficiency. Has some difficulty accomodating the new breeze of
which he has just become aware.
FRIVOLOUS:
Awards himself points for targets hit.
GRUNTER:
In order to achieve desired results, this individual grunts and makes other
unusual noises.
HYPNOTIZED:
Does not know what he is doing, where he is, what is to be accomplished, thus
wanders around with a blank stare, hoping for inspiration, or at least
guidance. Wets pants, fills shoes, then returns to consciousness.
INDIFFERENT:
Detests standing in line, so usually uses sink, or, in emergencies, perhaps
even the wastebasket.
INEFFICIENT:
Having been on station, and believing he has completed the work, is now torn
by doubt, and thus makes it to the end of the line, to resolve the doubt and
finish.
IN SEARCH OF:
In spite of best efforts, can not find the zipper and is unwilling to admit
this to himself or anyone else who may be observing - takes extra long time
to make discovery, while next person in line wets his own pants and those of
the one in search of...
JOINER:
Doesn't know the purpose of the line, but seeing so many people in it,
figures it must be worthwhile and so he joins the line, only to fail when the
goal is to be achieved.
LARGE:
Always finds way into line waiting to use the child's urinal, suitable for
a dehydrated dwarf on a severe starvation diet - developes back trouble from
stooping.
LISTENER:
Developes acute apaplexy listening to the slow disposal rate of the person in
front of him, loses control, wets pants, person in front of him, person
behind him, as he turns around - gets punched in the nose, falls to the
floor, and is left to spend the remainder of the day there.
LITTLE:
Stands on a coke case, falls in, needs assistance to get out and dry off.
LOST GLASSES:
Can not find urinal, and in acute cases, can't even find the men's room,
sometimes is forced to use the water fountain.
MODEST:
Will not under any circumstances perform in the presence of others, which
often causes him to stand in a corner, on tip-toe, much in the manner of a
ballet dancer.
MR. CLEAN:
Goes first to the wash basin to wash up before he touches zipper to initiate
activity, and then returns to the basin afterwards to wash even more
thoroughly
MR. RIGHT:
While dispensing with natural urge, combs hair, to deceive anyone who might
suspect him of such a vile thing as a natural urge.
MUSICIAN:
Hums to himself, during activity, although the melody is of some unknown and
yet to be discovered artist, whom many would wish remained undiscovered.
MANUFACTURER'S MISTAKE:
Wearing shorts with no opening, he becomes totally frustrated after a 20
minute examination and concomitant contortions to discover what has happened
to the non-existent opening that isn't there!
NASAL DRIP TRANSFER:
Easily initiates the work when he finally gets to station, but has most
difficult time getting the work completed and shut off.
NAVIGATOR:
Chases butt of wet cigarette with stream, trying to direct it somewhere.
NOSEY:
Checks out neighbor in next line to see if his is carbonated!
OVERDEVELOPED:
Continues strong and steady stream for almost a full minute, and is held
responsible for the death of the next person in line, who dies of over-
extended bladder resulting from the power of suggestion!
OVERFLOW VICTIM:
Has waited just mere seconds too long and can not wait till the zipper
reaches even the end of its run before the disaster strikes.
OVERSIZED SHORTS:
Conducts thorough and careful search but can not find anything other than
yards of cotton and polyester material. Wets pants, but does not discover
this until considerably later.
PANICKED:
Usually in bib overalls, with stuck zipper. Performs absolutely amazing
contortions which would be wonderful if done in a dance contest. When all is
said and done, wets pants, fills shoes.
PATIENT:
Stands on station endlessly, waiting and waiting, taking longer than a
camel to dispel load.
PUZZLED:
Has put underwear on backwards, but not to worry, there is no urgency, so
leaves line confused.
QUAKERISH:
Gets to station, engages in period of meditation, silence and absolute
concentration are necessary for the very seldom and most serious effort.
Leaves station with blissful fully satisfied grin on his face.
READER:
Gets so interested in the graffiti messages that he forgets entirely to open
zipper with the tragic results.
REAL LOSER:
Discovers that he has a hole in his shoe, which explains why he sloshes away
from station in a mood of confusion and angst.
RITUALIST:
Very carefully duplicates each and every activity in which he previously
engaged, in order to be successful in performance of duty, this time.
RUMMY:
Comes to station to dispense with goodies which were really only rented for
a time, and consumed, to get rid of them. Has the lack of good manners to
suck on a brown bag with a bottle in it, while performing his present task.
He staggers away, perhaps not even aware of his achievement.
RUSHED:
Dribbles last pint or portion thereof in pants, and sloshes away from station
only then to realize his error
SAFETY EXPERT:
Dispenses with job, but then experiences serious and lasting doubt that it
was done properly, so he very dutifully returns to the end of the line to
give it yet another try, and thus assure himself that he has properly executed
the mandate of his natural urge.
SAGGING ELASTIC:
At long last must deal with the problem of what to do with the shorts that
are not hanging on the point where the inseams come together in outer pants.
This causes some deep knee bends, which in turn cause some difficulty to the
knees, which clash on the lower lip of the urinal, and cause him to limp away
from station.
SURE AND CERTAIN:
Comes to station with small container of Kleenex, in case any unplanned
happenstance might occur. He is prepared for any and every eventuality.
SHAKY:
Uncertain of purpose and procedure, he is extremely furtive and secretive
about whole affair.
SHORT:
Always finds way into line waiting for the King-sized urinal, bumps chin on
the lower lip of urinal, wets pants.
SLOW FLUSHER:
Must have hygenically purified urinal, so he flushes it TWICE before he uses
it. Is later held, during trial, to have caused death of three people in
line waiting for him to get on with it.
STANCER:
Very carefully assumes stance, placing feet just at the right position for
perfect balance. Makes sure that they are just where they should be, and
reviews this situation several times to be absolutely certain.
STONED:
Can't even find zipper, eventually tries to pull out pant leg, soon
thereafter wets pants, wall, wastebasket, washbasin and who or what ever did
not get out of the way quite fast enough.
SURVEYOR:
Assesses relative length of lines, and moves with fluid grace to the shortest
line without any fuss or notice - only to discover that this line moves the
slowest.
TIMID:
Simply can not perform while being watched, or even if suspicious that he is
being observed. Usual result is that the night watchman throws him out of
the place, and he has to get all the way home before anything happens.
THE THERMAL:
No matter how long the search is conducted with hands, can not find opening
and must investigate with some very unusual movements, so that he will
eventually be able to find the opening in his thermal underwear. Causes no
end of amusement to observers of this event.
THE SNAKE:
Hisses quietly to himself, as a form of auto-suggestion, and hopes this will
accomplish goal.
TIGHTWAD:
Crawls under the partition on the pay toilet booth, only to discover that the
water on the floor did not show - until you were really into it.
TIP-TOE ARTISTE:
With extreme difficulty which is most obvious to all who take even a glance,
manages to persevere and make it to station, even properly unloading while
there. He concludes action with a sigh of relief that would do a Bull Moose
justice during rutting season.
WADER:
That poor unfortunate who follows the Departure Addict is likewise compelled
by some unknown force to leave early, but just not quite early enough to
avoid the flood.
WORRIED:
Is so overwhelmed by anxiety that he inadvertantly fills neighbor's shoe.
He is plagued by inaccuracy, and worries so much about it he never solves it.
WORRY-WART:
Eyes paper towel supply with extreme anxiety, and eventually gets so
preoccupied that he rushes it, wets it down quite thoroughly, and then
discovers what he has done, to his own embarrassment and that of onlookers.
WIZZARD:
Stands at station with steady flow for perhaps two full minutes. Onlookers
and listeners suspect that in his ancestry somewhere, there was a water-
buffalo.
ZILCH:
No matter what is done, or what the conditions, when it comes time to
perform, this poor soul is simply unable to achieve anything whatsoever.
He always departs in a most disconsolate and upset manner, thoroughly
frustrated.
ZIPPER LOCK:
This is perhaps the most common affliction known to all of mankind. No
matter how much you put down for your threads, the zipper simply will not
function. Even in the event you happen to have a pair of pliars in your
pocket (which isn't too frequently), the thing just simply won't budge.
Historically, two dances have developed as a result of this condition; the
ballet, which see, and the ever popular boogie. In the Olympics, a similar
performance might well earn a gold medal in the floor performances of the
gymnastic competition. Ah, but take the pants off, return them to the store
from whence they came, and the very same zipper will perform flawlessly, time
after time.
From the
JOKIN' AROUND DISK
by
LEEJAN ENTERPRISES
P.O. Box 66. Happy Valley.
South Australia. 5159.